Here’s your mantra for the week! This week’s card is from my The Sovereign Success Oracle deck. You can get it here or here. (And it’s on sale until 30 June, just so you know…)
I’ve always believed this, that done is better than perfect. Which is odd, because I’ve always thought of myself as a perfectionist. How could I not, when I’ve been accused of being a perfectionist, by many different people, all my life?
After pulling today’s card – Things don’t have to be perfect to be good – I set out to talk about perfectionism and reflect on the role it has had, and still has, in my life. But, when I looked up Brené Brown’s definition of perfectionism, which I knew I bookmarked in her The Gifts of Imperfection when I first read it eight years ago, I found myself confused.
Let me share her definition (if you own a copy of the book, it’s on page 56 of my 2010 edition):
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?
I found myself confused because this definition doesn’t resonate with me. Like, at all. I don’t believe that, ‘if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame’. And I don’t think I ever did.
I also wasn’t ‘raised being praised for achievement and performance’. I was raised to do the best you can with what you have and to aim as high as you can. If that’s high, then aim high. If that’s not as high, simply aim a little less high.
While wondering why I’ve always been perceived as a perfectionist, I listened to a recent episode of Inner Work: A Spiritual Growth Podcast, in which Josephine, the host, interviewed Alaina Schwart about her work as a coach. During this episode, they both discussed their struggles with perfectionism and how it has held them back in the past.
Again, the struggles they were sharing, such as wanting to do something so perfectly, they ended up feeling paralysed, did not ring any bells.
I’m a high achiever – I still am – but I can’t remember a single time I’ve been overcome by what’s called perfectionist paralysis. I’ve been stuck, but because I needed a moment to figure out my next step, not because I needed something to be perfect. Me being a high achiever has also never been about earning approval and acceptance. In fact, me being a high achiever was what set me apart, and not in good way.
Checking in with myself whether I truly wasn’t a high achiever to earn approval brought up a memory from kindergarten in which we were using felt and a pricking pen (you remember those?) to create windows and doors that opened on a house we’d crafted from carton.
I didn’t like the perforated look the pricking pen left and remember being so bored – because I just knew it would take forever to open everything prick by prick – that I tried something different. I pricked a hole in each corner of the window I was working on and carefully dragged the pricking pen through the carton, from one hole to the other. It was much faster AND the line looked neat and straight and so much better than the other window I’d already done.
I was exceptionally pleased with myself, and then our teacher reached my table and told me I was doing it wrong, and that she was especially disappointed because I was the last person (I was already known as a high achiever back then) she’d expected to take shortcuts like this.
I can’t remember – I’m surprised to have remembered this much; it must have left quite a mark on me – whether I tried to explain that my way was faster and brought about a nicer result, or whether I defied her internally, but I do remember thinking she was being ridiculous and she couldn’t seriously believe the ‘right’ way looked better?
I don’t remember feeling guilty or ashamed for having done something wrong, for taking a ‘shortcut’, or feeling like I had failed her and needed to do better next time lest I lost her approval. I do remember hoping we wouldn’t be working with the pricking pen anymore, or, if we did, our other teacher – who I liked better anyway – would be with us instead. Maybe she wouldn’t judge me for doing something that was both faster and much prettier.
If I’m not a perfectionist, and never truly was, could it be that those around me have mistaken – consistently, I might add – my striving to be my best as a perfectionist tendency? Does me being a high achiever who sets pretty high yet reasonable standards for herself (when it comes to her work anyway) equal perfectionism in their eyes?
Because it’s not, as Brené reminds us: ‘Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.’
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And that’s what I see when I look back, a long line of younger me’s going: ‘This is what I have for you right now, this is the best I can do in this moment. It’ll have to do.’ Of course, if it didn’t do, I did sting, but I always knew that I couldn’t have changed anything. I’d done my best, and if that wasn’t good enough for someone else, maybe I just wasn’t the right person to do the thing.
It could be me, but that sounds rather healthy to my ears.
This doesn’t mean I’ve fully embraced all my imperfections. I mean, The Gifts of Imperfection did resonate. A lot. It still does.
It also doesn’t mean I’ve felt absolutely confident throughout all my endeavours. Quite the contrary. I may not be a perfectionist, but the opposite of one is, alas, not someone bursting with self-confidence. As I shared with you last month, I’m quite afraid of failure. I’m more afraid of not getting something done – hence the high achieving – but that doesn’t mean I’m not afraid to fail at least 99% of the time.
However, and that’s what I explained in that earlier post as well, this fear didn’t stop me from doing the thing. I guess that’s what you get for having been raised with the idea that your best is, quite literally, the best you’ve got. All we can do once we’ve done our best is hope that it’s enough.
Sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes it is. What I’ve learned over the years is that, an awful lot of the time, it’s actually more than enough. Because things don’t have to be perfect to be good. To be great. To do what it needs to do. To change the lives it needs to change.
Are you a (recovering) perfectionist? Or have you, like I, been made to think you are for whatever reason? How has being a perfectionist, or being perceived as one, affected your life, and your creative practice in particular? I’d love to hear more about that.
Here’s to not trying to be perfect <3 May our creative work reap the fruits.
xx Mariëlle
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Things don’t have to be perfect to be done
Writing exercise
This writing exercise can be found in my 99 Writing Prompts and Journal Exercises to Cultivate Courage and Kick Imposter Syndrome to the Curb. While I specifically wrote it for writers, you can definitely adapt it to your own craft.
In the book, the exercise is accompanied by the following quote by Jon Acuff:
90 percent perfect and shared with the world always changes more lives than 100 percent perfect and stuck in your head.
Here’s the exercise, and yes, it fully intends to get you out of your comfort zone, so don’t worry about that part. That’s the point ;)
Think of a book or another piece of writing that you truly enjoyed. Was it perfect? Would you have changed a thing if you could have? (If not, let me know the title, OK? I need to see this for myself!) In all seriousness, no finished piece is ever truly finished, and different readers will find different ‘mistakes’.
This week, share a first draft of something you wrote and ask your chosen audience for positive feedback only. That’s right, only positive!
Don’t forget to reflect on the exercise.
Tarot spread
For the cardslingers amongst us, I’m including my Wrap It Up tarot spread from Tarot for Creatives, which is perfect for those who struggle to decide when it’s time to let a project go.
Here are the questions:
How far along am I with this project?
Is there anything left in this project that still needs my attention?
What can I do to finish this project? (Draw more cards if necessary.)
How will I know it’s time to move on to the next project?
What else do I need to know about wrapping up this project?
Of course, you can use these questions as journaling prompts as well.
How you can show up for me so I can keep showing up for you
Across the internet, I share lots of free content and many tools that help people on their creative journeys. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time or money to create as much content as I would like.
Besides, bills need to be paid, so there are times I need to prioritise the day job (my editing and coaching work) over content creation and making your creative lives better.
But you can change this!
With your support, I can continue to:
write my Monday Musings on living a creative life
audiorecord said musings for Illuminate | Musings and Meditations for the Creative Soul to make them more accessible
post weekly tarot spreads for creatives on Instagram
podcast on how to create a sustainable writing career from your heart and soul on Diving into Writing
interview fellow creatives every week so we can learn about their highs, lows, and how they keep creating
create free tools, record meditations, and write books that help creatives on their path to reaching their fullest potential
What’s more, with your support I could develop and chase new ideas and make even more beneficial tools for you and other creatives. One day, if I receive enough support, I might even be able to create exclusive content just for you.
How to support me
Substack — Substack is a subscription-based platform, so you can support me right here by becoming a paid subscriber. As a paid subscriber, you’ll join my Reiki Healing Circle, which means I’ll send you a daily dose of distant Reiki until the day you cancel your paid subscription.
As a founding member, you’ll also get 15% off everything in my webshop.
Patreon — In May, I breathed new life into my Patreon page. Here, I offer four different membership tiers with the following benefits:
€5 a month — become a member of my daily Reiki Healing Circle
€10 a month — become a member of my daily Reiki Healing Circle and get 10% off everything in my webshop
€15 a month — become a member of my daily Reiki Healing Circle and get 15% off everything in my webshop
€20 a month — become a member of my daily Reiki Healing Circle and get 20% off everything in my webshop
All my future courses, classes, and workshops will be offered in my webshop, so you’ll get a discount on these too.
Just think about it. I’d love to bring you into my Reiki fold <3