This is my path. I don’t need others to understand it
Monday Musings
Here’s your mantra for the week! This week’s card is from my The Sovereign Success Oracle deck. You can get it here or here, and you’ll get 25% off until the end of November!
One of my anthems this year was ‘You’re gonna go far’ by Noah Kahan, specifically the version he recorded with Brandi Carlisle. The song is about parents who, after becoming really upset that their child doesn’t want to stick around and settle for the same kind of life they’ve lived, learn to accept and support said child as they follow their dreams, even if they don’t necessarily share said dreams or understand them. Or that’s how I interpret it.
Why was this my anthem? Because I have always been acutely aware that my truest dreams and desires were going to upset my mum. This knowledge has been ingrained in me so thoroughly that I didn’t even start admitting to myself what it was I truly wanted until about a year ago.
And that’s where the anthem came in. The first time I heard it was 12 February 2024, and it instantly made me tear up. It wasn’t that my mum was unsupportive per se when it came to my life and how I’ve decided to spend it. The last couple of years, she gradually seemed to come to terms with where I currently am in my life.
But that’s just it. Ever since I admitted to myself what I want to do from here on out, where I see myself going, I’ve been holding my breath. I knew that, one day, I’d have to admit to her that my dreams were going to take me further than she would ever be comfortable with, and the thought alone made me sick to my stomach.
The song gave me the courage and strength to keep working towards my dreams despite this – without ever mentioning them out loud, obviously – and allowed me to channel my anger at not having the kind of support I would have loved to have, the kind of unconditional support mentioned in the lyrics.
Since my mum passed, the song doesn’t hold the same appeal. I still love listening to it, I do, but it doesn’t light the same spark inside of me, this willingness to fight for what I want. For a while, I didn’t quite understand why, but then it dawned on me. That particular spark in me no longer needed lighting up. After all, the one person I’ve been scared to let down, to disappoint, the one person I knew I would have to fight on this, who would have struggled hardest to understand, is no longer here.
It’s a strange kind of freedom to experience, one that arrived without any sense of relief. It’s something I’m still coming to terms with, because it’s not something I’d asked for and not something I would’ve ever asked for. I would have gladly fought her over this a thousand times if given the option.
But it’s here now, this sudden freedom, and it’s mine, and it’s been cracking something open inside of me that I have yet to put more than a few words to. It’s tender and honest and part of me cannot wait to meet it. To see it for what it really is. For what it can do, both for myself and others.
In the meantime, as I wait for the dust to settle and life to start making some sort of sense again, I’ll be on the lookout for a new anthem. Something else that’ll help keep me on track now I no longer need to prepare for a fight I, apparently, was never going to have. Just because this particular ‘hurdle’ is no longer in my way – and I do hate calling my mum that, even though she definitely was one, and I say that will all the love in my heart – doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of other obstacles I could use some help rallying against.
I’ll trust it’ll show up exactly when I need it.
xx Mariëlle
P.S. What are your creative anthems? What songs do you listen to, to light that inner fire and stay on that path others might never understand?
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